It fascinates me. Search, watch, and cook every single Tasty recipe and video ever - all in one place! Through the grapevine. The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". How can you tell youre getting old? These humorous quotes are sure an answer to all stupidity you face day in and out. ' Don Marquis. Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias, 25. "People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. 82. "The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one." 14 Social Skills to Help You Win in Life Microexpressions The Definitive Guide to Facial Expressions . Whos there? They hang together, half of them dont work and the other half arent so bright. Anonymous. Funny one-liners 1. Sharing quotes, proverbs, and sayings of great authors to touch people's lives to make it better. 56. But I want the ones with truffle and peanut butter. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. If youre familiar and passionate about your joke, you have a better chance of getting a reaction from others. .css-2ahkpt{display:block;font-family:Brandon,Helvetica,Arial,Sans-serif;font-weight:normal;margin-bottom:0.5rem;margin-top:0;-webkit-text-decoration:none;text-decoration:none;}@media (any-hover: hover){.css-2ahkpt:hover{color:link-hover;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){.css-2ahkpt{font-size:1.375rem;line-height:1.2;}}@media(min-width: 48rem){.css-2ahkpt{font-size:1.125rem;line-height:1.2;}}@media(min-width: 64rem){.css-2ahkpt{font-size:1.125rem;line-height:1.2;}}Julianne Hough Looks Fierce in a Naked Dress, Leann Rimes Shares Video Montage for Anniversary, Crazy Rules 'Jeopardy' Contestants Have to Follow, Watch Kelly Clarkson's Cover of Taylor Swift Song. Nobel who? What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke? 29. 66. Im Alabama self. Search in the largest collection of one liners and puns. I changed my password to "incorrect". (PS A truly energizing icebreaker joke is a great way to open up a team building event or activity and help everyone enter the right mindset to participate in the fun. Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines. Robert H. Schiuller, 67. Now that I have children, I understand the scene in Return of the Jedi where Yoda is so tired of answering Lukes questions, he just up and dies., People Also Ask These Questions About Icebreaker Jokes, Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? It was three feet deep on average. I poked a badger with a spoon. (Eddie Izzard), 6) You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? Life is like homemade ice cream: sweet and seasonal. I'm great at multitasking. 1) By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, hes too old to go anywhere. (Billy Crystal), 2) I have a piece of paper, dont mind me. 26. Then it hit me. You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany. "The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen." How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? Your life is your message. Gandhi, 13. I am Ananya, a professional speaker and I love motivating people and inspiring them to pursue their dreams. If reading funny books, funny poems and funny limericks doesnt raise your spirit, check out these funny boss quotes to brighten your day instead. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again." We'll see how that works out for you. Barrie, 34. (Ex: Do you know what I love most about baseball? Funny Quotes About Life Woman's Day/Getty Images 1. See our new one liners or check one liner of the day. How It Works " Charles M. Schulz, 13. Do people, and humor, there's so plenty time. He has pills he can take, but he cant get them out of the bottle. People often say that motivation doesnt last. Ernest Hemingway, 29. "No man goes before his time unless the boss leaves early." Little decisions you make alter your life, but they rarely do so all at once. Janet Springer, 53. This is my stepladder. Either vacant, engaged, or full of crap., 90% of the men give the other 10% a bad name., Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type., The great question Which I have not been able to answeris, What does a woman want?. ~ Freud, I would rather trust a womans instinct than a mans reason. ~ Stanley Baldwin, Whatever women do they must do twice, as well as men to be thought half as good. 48. Obsessed with travel? "Change is inevitableexcept from a vending machine." 50. Duct tape is silver. - Anonymous, The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. Roses are red, violets are blue; yo quiero tacos and queso too! A pun for every season of the year. Putting the Ha in HallelujahWe've Got 45 Clean Christian Jokes for Faith-Filled Fun. 90 Anger Quotes To Help You Control Your Temper. 39. Recent Posts. We use cookies to create the best site experience. I realized that the other day inside my fort. "Chastity: The most unnatural of the . Eleanor Roosevelt, 26. the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? "Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." So, 'Never take life seriously, no one gets out alive' is an oft-heard and good one-liner that inspires people to be positive about life and makes you laugh. "Don't waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. 77. Never take life seriously. Enjoy it before it melts. "Zig Ziglar, 99. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backward? 83.86 % / 41 votes. Whether your dream job entails selling, consulting or sleeping till noon, these funny work quotes are sure to resonate. Until then, lets all keep living our best (and most enjoyable) lives! Albert Einstein, 52. The more you love the least deserving on your list, the more your life will change. Mike Dooley, 47. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that support new web standards and security practices. Check out our list of virtual team building activities to help remote teams engage with each other in a new and exciting environment.). Pro-tip #2: Not comfortable making jokes? 82.89 % / 2909 votes. 1) I dont understand how Jeff Bezos is richer than the person who sells receipt paper to CVS. (Brain Champagne), 2) Do you know that cool-looking code in the Matrix? "Never go to bed mad. But John came fifth and won a toaster. Dont take life so seriously, you will not get out alive. Elbert Hubbard, 3. Yep, funny Father's Day gifts totally existand if he's best known for his humor, he'll definitely get a kick (and a good knee slap) out of these picks. Its a real ice breaker. (Laffgaff). Best Employee Engagement Software Platforms For High Performing Teams [HR Approved] There are many traits that a successful leader should have. Of course I wouldnt say anything about her unless I could say something good. If you don't want me to tell you what I really think, you'd best refrain from asking for my opinion. Roll them back so they can see! (Beano), 8) When my son told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down. (CNN Dad Joke Generator). Life is an adventure and getting wherever you are going is half the fun. Unknown, 31. Every moment is a fresh beginning. T.S Eliot, 80. The first few lines of a speech are like little teasers. Take a scroll through these inspirational quotes. Now that I made it weird, Im going to make my exit Unknown, 42. Helps people understand one another via insight or perspective on the current social environment. 180 Kindness Quotes to Inspire You To Always Be Kind, 51 When You Feel Like Giving Up Quotes To Motivate You, Top 80 Trent Shelton Quotes On Love, Life And Loyalty. 90 Anger Quotes To Help You Control Your Temper. Therefore, theres no true formula for a perfect joke, and despite study and analysis on the part of comedians and scientists, we dont have a precise answer to, What makes things funny?. We recommend our users to update the browser. Do you know a funny one liner? Sometimes, the best part of my job is that the chair swivels. Anonymous, 47. 11. Contact Us 96. Success depends on which one we use the most. 7. In America an obsession. How Are Reba McEntire and Kelly Clarkson Related? Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias, 43. Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was H20 Was H2SO4. Add your one liner to our site and see how good it is. This website uses cookies so that we can provide you with the best user experience possible. As I have gotten older and wiser, I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job: payday, lunchtime, quitting time, vacation time, holidays and, of course, retirement. Tom Goins(new Image()).src = 'https://capi.connatix.com/tr/si?token=38cf8a01-c7b4-4a61-a61b-8c0be6528f20&cid=877050e7-52c9-4c33-a20b-d8301a08f96d'; cnxps.cmd.push(function () { cnxps({ playerId: "38cf8a01-c7b4-4a61-a61b-8c0be6528f20" }).render("6ea159e3e44940909b49c98e320201e2"); }); 2. Relationships are a lot like algebra. "George Bernard Shaw, 78. Need some more laughs? 43. Looking for more than just trust falls? Enjoy! Alabama. Missile toe. Nobel, so I knock knocked. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. (Ex: Did you hear about the person who died while opening a window? If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. - Tom Robbins. One liner tags: life, time, work 83.16 % / 1379 votes. "Jerome K. Jerome, 95. 60 British insults for getting your message across 04/19/2023; 15 witty quotes by Joan Rivers to . "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. Yeah, they got him on possession. BBLTHRW. Sign up to receive the latest and greatest articles from our site automatically each week (give or take)right to your inbox. The Best Employee Recognition Software Platforms Careers Your email address will not be published. News_of_Entwives: The shovel really was a groundbreaking invention. Your life is your story; you can write out any characters who aren't enhancing the plot. 83. 74. "Well, you know what they say: If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me." "Paula Poundstone, 85. Grab your favorites for greeting cards, social media captions, or even just to print and hang above your desk to serve as a little reminder that life's not that serious and were all much better off laughing so we don't cry! "Cathy Guisewite, 17. Also See: Epic Sarcastic and Bitchy Quotes 97. Question:Why did the chicken cross the road?Answer: To prove to the opossum that it could be done. Privacy Policy. If you disable this cookie, we will not be able to save your preferences. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience. Whats Irish and stays out all night? Steven Wright. What do you call a bear with no teeth? People say I'm condescending. "One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.". RD.COM Arts & Entertainment Quotes Funny. Stop hating Mondays. Co-workers are like Christmas lights. Whats a dogs favorite homework assignment? What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? "All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence then success is sure. Don't act like I'm a character in your reality show. My IQ test results came back. Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners. Persist while others are quitting. William Arthur Ward, 45. "I hate housework. Life is a question and how we live it is our answer. Gary Keller, 10. It gets toad away. I saw a sign that said, "Watch for children," and I thought, I'll never forget my grandfather's last word to me before he kicked the bucket. When they're finished, I climb out. If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Ingratiate yourself to your tight-knit audience by opening with a little humor. By the time you learn the rule of life, youre too old to play the game. Unknown, 21. "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. Leaders who dont listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say. Andy Stanley, 26. A polar bear. If I tell you I want to be a door-to-door salesman, dont knock it. Jarod Kintz, 46. The shortest horror story: Monday. Anonymous, 38. . Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done. Peter Drucker, 24. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?". Its full of surprises, and things dont always turn out the way you plan. Enjoy these funny quotes, a laugh and share with a friend. Youre like, What the hell? One liner tags: attitude, communication, life. 84. "Benjamin Franklin, 30. "For years, Mock the Week delivered a witty spin on the newsentertaining a broad cross-section of the UK audience through funny conversations, one-liners, and improv comedy. "Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Rapport is especially important for presentations where youre trying to persuade an audience of strangers, and you can build rapport with people youve never met (and may not have anything in common with) by using some of the funniest jokes you can find. So weve included a mix of what we think are the best one-line quotes about life; uplifting, witty, and smart. Don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. 84.04 % / 304 votes. The purpose of life is to grow. Enough to break the iceor your spine for that matter., 6) When I meet women, I immediately start talking about global warming. 1) Have you ever noticed [fill in with something you find interesting or funny. Just laugh. "Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don't have a single thing to worry about. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Emo Philips, 56. Youd think at least one of them would have ducked. When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye., 46. Patty OFurniture. Be a professional and hate the whole week! Anonymous, 39. Its a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children. Alan Alda, 33. Two guys walk into a bar; the third one ducks. 15) I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. Steal these classic one-liner jokes in our collection of the best one-liner jokes from experts in funny like Milton Berle. 22. Elementary. In other parts of the world a fact." ~ Marlene Dietrich. She can tell you everything you need to know about the love lives of A-listers, the coziest bedsheets, and the sex toys actually worth your $$$. Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias, 41. "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." "Lily Tomlin, 19. What do you call a steak thats been knighted by the queen? She said she didnt feel a thing! - 101 funny one-liners - Best knock-knock jokes for kids. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice., 3) Did you know that there are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones?, 4) Did you hear the rumor about butter? "So this is my life until I win the lottery. Witty One Liners about Men "You can't belay a man who's falling in love." ~ Edward Abbey "An empty man is full of himself." "A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. "Winston S. Churchill, 72. Why cant you trust an atom? That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes. I used up all my sick leave, so I called in dead. Anonymous, 3. Luckily, the folks at Caroo have curated their very own Icebreaker Box to help kickoff your event with a little bit of snacking, team building, and maybe even an adult beverage . Roses are red, violets are blue; I love you . The first five days after the weekend are the toughest. Anonymous, 40. If you take $2 out of an ATM that has a $2.50 fee, do you owe the machine money? If I want your opinion, Ill ask you to fill out the necessary forms Unknown, 79. "If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.Reese Witherspoon, 86. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says 'Plethora.'. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day! A.A. Next, check out these bar jokes that are hilariously funny. There's no such thing as being overprepared. "Mark Twain, 100. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 95. 73. Sayings. Also See: Epic Sarcastic and Bitchy Quotes. She is also the author of the 2018 novel Indecent. And, oh boy, is this good. 36. 94. "My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best. The people who live above me are furious. (Steven Wright), 3) I heard a story that the band Blink-182 incorporated under the name Poo Poo Butt LLC to embarrass their accountants in serious conversations., 4) I thought Id begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? In fact, it may not hurt to chuckle a bit yourself. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off. 72. "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. These characteristics include: Illustrating a generally harmless mistake, misunderstanding, or departure from the norm. What do you call Santas helpers? "Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that." Whether you're having a bad day or know someone who could use a little cheering up, laughter really is the best medicine plus, there are so many ways to tickle your funny bone. Heres a brief summary: These workplace greetings have become such a commonplace part of our lives, theyre practically rhetorical. Why is Monday so far away from Friday and Friday so bloody close to Monday? Anonymous. (Ex: My friend took me to what he said was an escape room. I'm great at multitasking. If at first you dont succeed, try management. Anonymous, 21. One bad chapter does not mean your story is over. 85. Terms and Conditions Dont stay in bed unless you can make money in bed. George Burns, 48. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the world revolves around him. Even if you love your job, it can be difficult to face another daunting workweek. Turns out, he just locked me in the closet. (Brain Champagne), 5) What did the duck say when she bought lipstick? "I like work. "David Lee Roth, 79. I gave him a glass of water. Three guys walked into a bar. What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back again? "A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so . Pro-tip #3: Champion humor in your workplace by using an employee recognition platform such as Nectar to provide peer-to-peer rewards for making others laugh or smile. Funny work quotes can be the antidote to even the strongest workday blues. Whos there? Live the life you love. Bob Marley, 23. Grief is an isolating emotion, but funerals give people the opportunity to connect and support each other. 13. Everything you can imagine is real. Pablo Picasso, 65. All they said was, Bach, Bach, Bach, 24. Tags: 1 line dad jokes 1 line puns 1 liner joke of the day 1 liner jokes 1 liners 10 best one liners 100 best one liners 100 funny quotes and one liners 1000 short funny jokes 101 best one liners 1950's one liners 2 line funny jokes in english 2 line jokes 2019 one liners 2020 one liners 21 one liner jokes 30 great one liners 5 one liners 52 of . "When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. - John Leonard. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun. Does this taste funny to you?. Who are the best 90s television characters of all time. 62. Ayatollah you already. Sharing quotes, proverbs, and sayings of great authors to touch people's lives to make it better. Outlaws are wanted. A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks. My IQ test. 65. 89. 1) I used to work at McDonalds making minimum wage. I can't believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for . Interviewer to job applicant: Can you come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of the house?. You must believe your joke is funny if you hope others will find it funnykind of like you (hopefully) wouldnt use pick up lines that have no chance of at least earning a wry smile. It is normal and easy to fall into the trap of autopilot and feels overwhelmed by lifes stresses, so why not take a break, have a read, and then share your favorite witty one-liners on life with loved ones to brighten their day. Then turn to these bad jokes that you cant help but laugh at, short jokes that anyone can remember, and for the little ones, short jokes for kids. And guess what? Frightfully funny . Me, I just drink whatever's in the glass." "Bill Watterson, 64. For more info visit: Privacy Policy & settings. Fun Office Games & Activities for Employees There's hundreds of them!". 'Never take life seriously, no one gets out alive' is an oft-heard and good one-liner that inspires people to be positive about life and makes you laugh. Nothing, it was on the house. The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. "As you get older, three things happen. Looking for some witty and humorous one-liners on life? Why dont pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? And I also know that I'm not blonde." Lance is an uncommon name nowadays. the claustrophobic astronaut? ~ Tallulah Bankhead, "Never argue with a woman when she's tiredor when she's rested. Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls, 46. "Jim Halpert, The Office, 89.
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